I am not a cheat. I am not a liar. But I’ve come to believe that there is nothing wrong with cheating on my drug test,
I finally got a good job when my daughter was two years old and things were chugging along nicely until one day the company announced they were going to start drug testing. A urine test. Next week. That came out of nowhere.
I had been smoking pot for years. I don’t drink, don’t smoke cigarettes, and I don’t do drugs. But I like marijuana. A lot. And I didn’t want to give up smoking my weed. That’s what I told my co-worker Hector when we shared a joint after work.
“Man, giving up weed ain’t the problem. The problem is next week.” Holding up the burning joint he said, “This shit can stay in your system for over a month.”
“What?!” That was the first time I heard about that.
“Yeah, man. We gotta clean out if we want to have jobs next week.
My daughter is 20 years old now so this was eighteen years ago, just before 9/11. Hector knew exactly what to do. He told me to stop smoking weed two days before P-day. On the day of the test he hooked me up with an expensive detox drink that tasted like chalk and had to be washed down with a boatload of water. I pissed two or three times before I took the test and passed with flying colors. I thought Hector was a genius until the next time we took the test. We went through the exact same routine, and this time I still passed but Hector failed and got fired. I saw him as he was going out the door and I asked him what happened.
“I don’t know. I’m heavier than you. I think that’s got something to do with it.”
“Then how come we both passed last time?”
I don’t know, bro. There’s no guarantees,” he said. “It’s just about cutting the odds”
Then Hector left the building and I never saw him again.
That was my first drug test. Since then I’ve had to take six pre-employment tests and have gone through random workplace testing on a routine basis. Once I realized that on-the-job drug testing was going to become a regular thing, I decided to educate myself. I’ve learned a lot about it and now I want to share what I’ve learned
To begin with, Hector was right about his weight. THC metabolites stay in the fat cells. Other drugs are washed out with water and can’t de detected after a few days, but traces of marijuana can stay in your fat cells for more than a month. If you’re heavyset and smoke a lot of weed, the THC traces can be detected for a much longer time. If you never smoked before and took a few hits for the first time on a Friday night the odds are pretty good that you would pass a urine test on Monday or Tuesday. But if you smoke a lot of strong weed like me, it might be weeks before you can pass a urine test naturally.
So far – knock wood – I’ve passed every drug test I’ve ever taken. I didn’t pass by using the detox drinks that got Hector in trouble and I didn’t pass using the adulterants you can buy on-line because the drug test companies got better at finding that stuff. When I first started doing this, the tests were so flawed it was easy to cheat. Back then urinalysis gave a false positive result up to fifty percent of the time and the spikes and detox drinks could easily push that result one way or the other. But over the years, the tests grew more sensitive and the false positives results grew less frequent. And the big drug test companies like Quest Diagnostics now offer Specimen Veracity Tests (SVT) so what used to work very well might not work that well anymore. That’s okay. I figured out you just have to pay closer attention.
If dilutions, detox drinks and adulterants can all be discovered with a simple SVT, I asked myself what would work? Abstinence? The best way to beat a drug test is to stop smoking pot but that’s not really an option. Not for me. Remembering “there are no guarantees” and that “it’s just about cutting the odds” the way I’ve passed almost all my drug tests is by simply switching my tainted urine with clean synthetic piss. It’s actually pretty easy to do and it has worked for me every time.
What’s wrong with the Detox drinks?
Sometimes they work and sometimes they don’t because there are too many things you have to get right. First, detoxification drinks don’t really detoxify your body: they dilute your urine to the point where the toxins fall below the cutoff levels of the drug test. Most detox drinks are simply dilutions and the ingredients in the bottle merely replenish your diluted urine with the particulates you would expect to find in an untampered sample. That’s why many detox drinks come back as dilutes. If you’ve added an adulterant to you urine sample the SVT can pick that up as well. There was a time when dilutions and adulterants largely flew under the radar but those days are gone. The drug test companies caught on inevitably leaving substitution as the best way to pass your urine test.
What Is Synthetic Urine?
Synthetic urine is a commercial product that has a variety of legitimate uses ranging from testing baby diapers to calibrating drug test equipment and unbridled fetish fun (perhaps bridled. I really don’t know). It has been around since the 19th Century when German chemists figured out how to synthesize Urea, its major organic component. Synthetic urea is used to make de-icer, fertilizer, hair products, body lotions, adhesives and much more, and now in the guise of synthetic pee, it is widely used to pass piss tests. As the drug test companies find more ways to catch detox solutions, dilutions and additives, substituting synthetic urine is getting more popular all the time. Hold a bottle of real urine and synthetic urine up to the light and you can’t tell the difference. It has the same color, the same odor, texture and organic ingredients including urea, uric acid and creatinine. The only thing missing from synthetic piss is the THC metabolites that will get you in trouble. High quality synthetic urine like Monkey Whizz will also have the correct specific gravity and the right pH – “benchmarks” that the drug test administrators look for to make sure the sample is real. Hand warmers bring the sample up to body temperature.
Why can’t I use my friend’s clean urine?
Well, you can, but I wouldn’t recommend it. Weirdly enough, natural urine is not as foolproof as synthetic urine. A urine test is supposedly a two-step process with a “presumptive” first test followed by a “confirmatory” second test. Why do they do that? Because the first test – an inexpensive immunoassay – is often wrong. “It’s all about cutting the odds,” and I’ve found that using high quality synthetic urine is the best way to cut the odds in my favor.
The drug test companies agree. They know how to find a dilution, a detox or an additive, but according to Dr. Barry Sample of Quest Diagnostics (I swear to God that’s his real name!), “If synthetic urine can be successfully substituted for real urine in the privacy of the collection site restroom, unfortunately there is often little that can be done…”
Substitution, it seems, was always where this game of cat and mouse was headed.
Quality synthetic pee is key. It’s easy to add urea to water and make something that looks like piss, but quality synthetic urine pays attention to the benchmarks. Quality urine might cost a little more but it’s worth it to keep your job. Not every synthetic urine is created equal. At first, I tried Monkey Whizz because it seemed to have a great reputation on-line, and I’ve never been disappointed. Except for that first time with Hector, I’ve passed every drug test using this product.
Monkey Whizz comes in a pouch, not a bottle, that is attached to a belt, a simple elastic band intended to go under the clothing and stay out of sight. Monkey Whizz comes with hand warmers with adhesive backing to heat the sample to body temperature, and warns the user to not microwave the sample as other synthetic urine products suggest. This is because Monkey Whizz takes an extra proprietary step to extend the shelf life of their synthetic urine and does not use a biocide additive that can be detected.
Typically, in a workplace setting, the administrators will not watch you provide a sample and will give you privacy in the stall. In that case you need to activate the heating pad at home before you go to your test and stick it on your Monkey Whizz package on the opposite side of the temperature strip. Between your own body heat and the heating pad it will take about an hour to reach the right temperature which is between 96 and 100 degrees. Once you’ve hit that mark, the temperature should be good for several hours. Pour the synthetic urine into the sample cup and try not to smile when you turn in clean pee.
It’s pretty straightforward and simple. No drama drug testing. The one piece of strong advice I would offer is… Practice! Fill that flask with water and practice heating it up, practice pouring it out and practice putting it all away after you’re done… quietly. They might not put an eyeball on you for legal reasons but they can listen. So practice your moves in silence.
The Monkey Whizz comes with two hand warmers so you can practice with one and use the other for the test, or these are easily replaced in case you need more.
They probably won’t watch you, but it has been known to happen (It happened to me once). Ask your co-workers; they’ll probably know what you can expect. If it looks like you may be observed, that’s okay. You’ll simply have to become a more serious monkey and use the Monkey Dong, a fake phallus that looks just like the real thing that can deliver a clean synthetic sample despite their supervised gaze.
Hector told me there were no guarantees (and there’s isn’t) but synthetic urine (delivered by a Monkey Dong if necessary) is as close to a guarantee as you’re going to get.
But the Detox drinks guarantee that I will pass my test or I’ll get DOUBLE my money back. That sounds like a guarantee to me!
Well, if you spend $40. on a detox drink, fail and get fired, you’ll get $80. back but you’re still out of a job. That kind of a guarantee never really appealed to me so I used Monkey Whizz instead.
One time, I even passed my drug test stoned.