The guy who sells me weed is a very smart dude, and when I told him that I had to take a drug test at work he knew just what to say.
“You ever take a drug test before?”
He smiled. “You scared?”
I smoke a lot of weed, and he knows that better than anyone.
“Shitless” I said, not smiling.
“Relax, bro! I’ve got you covered,” he said, handing me a joint of Buddha’s Sister. “What kind of drug test are you going to take?”
“I’m not sure. It’s a piss test, I think.”
“Yeah, that’s probably right. Almost all drug testing is urine testing. Saliva’s coming up, hair’s hanging tough and berth is right around the corner; but almost ninety percent of workplace drug testing is piss. When are you supposed to take the test?”
“Tuesday morning,” I said. It was Friday night. He watched me take a long pull off a hand-blown rig, and I heard him chuckle.
“Well, under the circumstances I’d say you were fucked.”
“No, you’re cool,” he said reassuringly. “I’m just fucking with you, dude.” He took back the rig and gave me a wink.
My dealer’s a smart guy. He said there used to be a lot of ways to beat a urine test with plenty of homemade remedies involving things like cranberry juice and bleach and vinegar, but then they started testing for that stuff. That’s when the detox drinks started showing up to cleanse your body and the additives that were sold to purify the pee. But then they started testing for that stuff too.
“It’s a straight-up game of cat and mouse,” he said, “You can drink a ton of water and take B-vitamins to restore the color,” he said, “but they might flag that as a “dilute.” He said that the any detox products that require you to drink lots of liquid are simply dilutions in disguise.
“So you got the same problem with the detox drinks,” he said. “They might flag it as a dilute. You might as well drink water and save yourself twenty-five bucks. Because you’re going to get caught either way.”
“Twenty-five dollars! Is that what the detox drinks cost?”
“For the most part, yeah. The ones that might work start at around $25 to $40. – cheaper than that and you’re just buying shit. And they can go up to over a $100. a bottle for heavyweights.”
“And they’re all just dilutions?”
“Most are. The cheap ones are. Some have useful ingredients in them, but the labs learned to test for the useful ingredients. Besides, dilution’s not the only way you get caught. There’s the detection window.
“That’s how long they can catch you?”
“Right. The amount of time it takes for your system to naturally clean out enough for you to pass your urine test.
“How long is the detection window for weed?”
“That’s the thing,” he said. “for weed it’s different for different people. If you were a casual stoner who took a few tokes on Friday night, you might be clean by Tuesday. Might not. But there’s a lot of things to consider. How much weed do you smoke?”
“Yeah, you do.” he said knowingly. “And you dab.”
“Yes you do,” he said, firing up the torch. I was doing the rip he handed me when he said, “You know, you’re overweight.”
“Fuck you,” I replied, blowing vapor out of my nose.
“Not dis, bro. Just fact. Other drugs like coke or opiates —
“I don’t do that shit”
“I know that! Will you just listen for a minute? Other drugs like coke and opiates break up quickly in water, and people who do those drugs piss them out after a few days. You’re heavyset. It could take up to a week. Probably more…”
“So… the THC metabolites lodge in your fat cells and can take up to a month to disappear.
“Well, if you’re a casual toker, maybe a week. But you ain’t no casual toker, bro.”
“No, I’m not.’
“And you got that jelly belly too.”
“Yeah, I do,” he admitted reluctantly.
“Bro, you ain’t going be clean for a month.”
“And they’ll catch the dilutions and the detox drinks, right?”
“Maybe. Probably. Dilutions and detox drinks are products you take into your body and they make you look clean for about five hours – when they work. There’s also products called adulterants that you put into your urine sample to mask the traces of THC in your piss.”
“Really?” I brightened, seeing a ray of sunshine.
“Yeah, but they test for that stuff too,” he said like a dark cloud covering the sun. “Either way you’re rolling dice.”
“What you’re saying is I’m fucked.
“I didn’t say that.”
“Not in so many words, no; but c’mon! I got a urine test in seventy-two hours. I got a shitload of weed in my system. You say it would take weeks for me to clean out naturally. I shouldn’t use a dilution or a detox or an adult ant, whatever the fuck that is!
“Adulterant,” he corrected gently, “You can’t use an adulterant.”
“Right! I can’t use any of it! So tell me. How am I going to pass my drug test on Tuesday?”
“You’re going to substitute clean synthetic urine for your dirty piss,” he said with absolute confidence as he handed me a hot rig and a golden dab. “You’re going to hand them a completely clean sample and walk out of there like a boss!”
I considered what he said for a moment, and it sounded like something I could do. So I shrugged my shoulders, did my dab and choked out, “Tell me!” before I blew out the hit.
“It’s called a substitution. Every other method of beating a urine test – the dilutions, the adulterants and the detox solutions – all require you to stay away from weed for 48 to 72 hours. With a substitution you don’t have to worry about the detection window. Every other method requires you to mess with your urine – dilute it or spike it; and if they go looking they can tell you did it. The drug companies offer Specimen Verification Tests now and they know what to look for. With a substitution you’re simply switching clean synthetic urine for your tainted piss. Smooth, fast, and once you turn your sample in, there’s no way to catch it.”
“What about this Verification Test?”
“If you have good quality synthetic urine and if it’s the right temperature when you turn it in, they can’t tell the difference. And I know where to get good quality synthetic urine.
“You gotta keep it warm?”
“Yeah. It comes with these heat pads with temperature strips that you attach to a little pouch of synthetic urine before the test. You’re temperature’s good for about eight hours. It also comes with an elastic belt that holds the pouch snug against your body and stays completely out of sight.”
“What if they watch me?”
“They won’t. Not at a private company. That’s what this is, right?”
“Yeah. I work at a consumer electronics warehouse.”
“Yeah. Well, they’re not going to watch you. And if they do, tell them you can’t piss with someone watching you. It happens all the time.”
“This isn’t like a fake penis or anything like that?”
“No. It’s just a small tube with clip, and you open the clip to fill the cup. It’s easy. You put it on under all your clothes, check it in the mirror and practice the moves a couple of times at home. It’s comes with instructions. They sell a fake penis as a novelty item too. But you don’t need that much stealth.”
“A novelty item?”
“It’s a weird world, my friend.”
“Yes, it is.”
“If you think they’re going to watch you, we can get you a fake penis. It’s called the Monkey Dong.
“Of course it is. All right. Let’s give it a shot.
Firing up the rig once more, my pot dealer chuckled and said, “Hey, you know how to break up a game of cat and mouse?”
“No, I don’t. How?”
“You throw a monkey in the middle.”
“Heh, heh, heh…”